“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”
— Lewis B. Smedes
The road to forgiveness is not a well-trodden one. If it was easy, everyone would do it. The act of forgiveness is also not for the faint of heart. It requires much from the forgiver as it is an exercise in soul searching and character development. Fortunately for us, we do not have to walk this road alone.
I would like to change the structure of my writing for this chapter. The best way to convey how forgiveness can be achieved is through personal storytelling. Like I said previously, I will do my best to soften your heart by softening mine. Allow me to express my journey to forgiveness. I invite you to experience it with me.
—
Now, where do I begin? Perhaps I can start by saying that I didn’t choose forgiveness, but forgiveness chose me. I vividly remember uttering the words ‘never’ and ‘forgive’ in the same sentence. This was at the time where I was really invested in discovering how to “adult” as they say. This world can be a very confusing place, and it is hard to figure out what you should do and where you should go.
I learned much during this time of exploration, however, I always seemed to lack the experience required to enjoy the journey. I write this now, but I can’t help but wonder if it has anything to do with the constant pressure I put on myself. It may sound masochistic, but I do enjoy pushing my limits again and again and again. There’s something enjoyable about reaching beyond your capabilities. Some people play video games to relax, I work out. Some people watch movies for pleasure, I study. It’s oddly satisfying.
We all have a limited amount of time and our time will be up before we know it. We are also all so blessed with everything we have been given in this life. If you have a roof over your head, food in your stomach, and a bed to sleep in, you should be thankful. Not everyone has what we call the basic necessities in life. This is one of the reasons I work tirelessly – I am grateful for the life God has given me.
This sentiment has not always been with me. It has been built over time through good times and hard times. It is quite interesting to see both the peaks and valleys of life as one comes to understand what life may be about. By experiencing both the heights and depths of life, we can live life to the fullest, regardless of where we find ourselves today.
There have been quite a few times in the not-so-distant past where I was given a compliment which garnered reflection on my part. People started to come up to me and say that I had my life together. I knew where I wanted to go and how to get there. Of course, this was true at the time as I did exactly this in the years leading up to these compliments. What they didn’t see was the years of hard work, sacrifice, and luck that harmoniously came together for my goals to become a reality.
Now, what does this have to do with forgiveness? Well, without forgiveness, my goals would have never been achieved. I never would have had the heart to pursue lofty goals or the spirit to push forward through those tough days. I worked full time doing manual labor, then went home to work out and study until I fell asleep. I did this for years.
My journey to forgiveness started with one statement: you need to forgive your father. It was a statement that came up in one of those late-night discussions about life. You know, the type of discussion that happens when life is good and you are with people you care about – and who care about you. I had many of those discussions, but this one was different. Little did I know that this discussion would end up in me writing a book.
I was a volunteer for a student club called Power To Change (previously was Campus Crusade for Christ). The club’s mission was to help students take their next step towards a Jesus-filled life. As I was dabbling at the idea of a Christ-filled life, I decided to become part of the club.
Power To Change had weekly meetings and social events every week. At first, I got the feeling that the club was not for me and so I stopped attending after just a few weeks. It was not until a few years later that I returned and quickly discovered the blessings that I was missing out on. The people were fantastic and there were genuine community and camaraderie. The weekly meetings were very interesting and the social events exciting.
As I became more invested in the group, I got challenged to be one of the leaders. Apparently, I could help out to be a small group leader – whatever that was. I quickly learned that a small group is another term for a bible study. This was not what I hoped for as back then I was quite the introvert. How can a quiet guy like me lead a bible study? Well, it turns out that even introverts can be leaders.
One thing led to another and soon I was helping lead a men’s bible study once a week. In hindsight, I really do miss those days. Those were the days where life seemed to be a lot simpler. Yes, leading a group of men through the bible can be challenging, but we were all learning and growing together, which made it all the better.
After a year of helping lead the bible study, I was then challenged with two more positions. I don’t think I did that good of a job at leading, but perhaps it was a combination of a lack of leadership and a guy who’s willing to try that led to the challenge. Whatever the case, I decided to take up both positions on top of my duty to serve my men’s bible study. I wanted to prove to myself I could do it in addition to my studies.
It was around this time that I had that life-changing discussion I mentioned earlier. I was now helping out with the weekly meetings and social events, both of which involved lots of public speaking. The fear of public speaking is a fear most people share, and I was no different. I am quite thankful that I can now say I am mostly over this fear. But, back then, it was a fear I struggled with for a long time.
The conversation occurred during one of the social events I was hosting. I don’t quite remember the exact social outing I planned, but I can tell you that it probably looked like the ones before it. Usually, a social consisted of a fun activity planned and facilitated by the socials coordinator (me). Sometimes we would attend an event in the community and other times we would conjure up a game or two to play. The only limit was your imagination…and the law of course. Afterward, we would all hang out somewhere, be it a park, someone’s house, or a 24/7 coffee shop.
It was between the end of a social and the start of the hangout session that the conversation occurred. As with any good conversation, coffee, jokes, and honesty were at the forefront. As the night progressed, we discussed more intimate topics as we got to know more about each other. By then I had my testimony down and was able to share it with almost anyone in any amount of time. A testimony is a story of how one came to believe in God and how they accepted Jesus as their Lord and Savior.
As I shared my testimony, my friend earnestly listened to what I had to say. You can tell if someone is really listening to you by how they interject. If they want clarity on something, they will ask the question. If they want more details on the subject, they will ask you more questions, some of which you may not even know the answer to. A good listener will always give you their undivided attention – which is quite rare these days.
After I shared my testimony about how I did not come from a Christian home and came to Jesus after a life-changing event in my late teens, there was silence. Being a musician who essentially studied silence for four years, this did not bother me. In fact, silence is a crucial part of life that we all need to partake in, but I digress. Moments passed and then I got asked the question that really changed my life. He said “you know what your problem is? You need to forgive your father if you want to grow in Christ.”
This came as a shock to me as I was not the one who decided to hurt my family. I thought that forgiveness was something you do to people who earned it. And in my mind (and heart), he did not do anything to earn my forgiveness. As confused as I was with the question, I prodded my friend to elaborate more on his keen observation.
With it being so long ago, I will paraphrase what he had to say. Essentially, he discussed his observation in three parts: the past, the present, and the future. A person shares their testimony for a number of reasons, one of which is to describe who you were as a person before your encounter with Christ. Usually this person is missing something from their life and they attempted to fill the void with all kinds of stuff. A testimony offers a comparison of who someone was before and who they are now.
My friend then went on to explain the then-current me. He pointed out all the differences between my previous self and the person who was standing before him. He then walked me through the gospel and drew parallels between my transformation and the transformations expressed throughout the bible. Just as success leaves clues, so does living a life aligned with Christ. It is really fascinating to have someone articulate this.
Finally, my friend concluded with the perceived future me – a man who is fully aligned with Christ. This will never be achieved in my lifetime, and this is how it is supposed to be. Despite this, we all are required to take one step forward: to carry your cross daily. Sometimes, in order to take a step forward, we need to take a few steps back to see the obstacle in front of us. This is what my friend tried to get me to do – and he was right.
At the time, I rejected the notion of forgiveness. I even gave many logical and rational reasons as to why I couldn’t forgive him. These reasons were legit grievances that have built up in me over my life. There was no way that I could give him the satisfaction of winning when I had gone through so much without him. My family suffered because of his (in) actions and I wanted to be the one to stop the suffering.
My friend listened to me go on and on about the many reasons why I could not forgive. Fortunately, he showed compassion and empathy towards me and my lamenting. He could not relate to the experiences I discussed with him, but he did relate to me on another level. When a person is sharing their heart with you, you hold their heart in your hands. It is up to you to decide what to do with it.
It is at this point where distrust and miscommunication enter that prevents us from opening up to anyone in the future. We have all shared intimate details with someone who later decided to use it against us. Trust is broken and we start to doubt ourselves. We inevitably get to the point where we promise ourselves to never open up to another person again. We chose to hide in a castle instead of being the knight that slays the dragon. Funny thing is that it is the knight who gets the gold.
If we ever do choose to open up to someone again, we do so very cautiously – and this is more than understandable. Choosing this route is the essence of courage and is admirable. If you are like me, I don’t give myself enough credit for doing hard and difficult things. I want to tell you now that it is a difficult task to be vulnerable. To do so reflects a strong character and so I want to take this time to congratulate you on your accomplishment. Go ahead, celebrate this as if you achieved a milestone in your life!
My friend knew exactly what to do with the heart I have given him. He examined it, noticed what it was lacking, and gave it exactly what it needed. He then gave it back to me with an encouragement to pursue forgiveness in my own way, in my own time.
This is why it is so important to surround yourself with people who you care about, and who care about you. If you are fortunate enough to have this in your life, consider yourself blessed. If you do not have this in your life, you may be wondering how you can. One of the best ways to do this is to be a good friend. One way to be a good friend is to be there for another person. If they decide to open up and give you their heart, examine it, nurture it, and give it what it needs. Even if it’s a kick in the butt.
After the conversation, I pondered the challenge my friend gave me. The days slipped by with no apparent change in heart. I continued to pursue my goals and enjoy life as much as I could. Time is a funny thing. We never get more of it and it is always running out. We try to manage it as best as we can, but at the end of the day…well…it’s the end of the day. And someday when we least expect it, we decide to do something that we said we would never do. It’s the incremental decisions that eventually change one’s life.
It was three months after that life-changing conversation when I decided to do something about my indecision on forgiveness. Doing some research does go a long way, but it is the decision to forgive that is important. And what is even more important is to be at peace with that decision. A decision to forgive is a decision to no longer carry that burden. A decision to forgive is a decision to allow the possibility of reconciliation. Decisions are one-time events. Reconciliation is a process that leads to hope. So, I decided to take a chance, step out in faith, and be courageous. I forgave my father.
Making the decision to forgive was one of the best things I have ever done. Although the hurt and pain were still there, it did subside over time. You learn more about yourself and how important it is to forgive others. You start to understand that when you hold onto hurt, it only hurts you more. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. And once you can get to the point of forgiving others, you can start to forgive yourself for the mistakes and hurt you have done to others. It is at this point you realize that you were both the prison guard and the inmate. You held the keys to your self-made prison all along.
Learning to forgive others and yourself is great and all, but you may be saying to yourself that this isn’t for me. Maybe you feel that there are some things that can not be forgiven. This is not true. Forgiveness is for you, not for the person who hurt you. You are the only person who can choose to forgive or not. Forgiveness frees you from the hurt, pain, and suffering that comes with holding onto a heavy burden. Remember, the choice itself is not an easy decision to make and is a courageous step to take. The healing that comes from making the decision to forgive will happen over time. Don’t you want to feel what it’s like to truly forgive someone and finally move on with your life?
Now I do want to spend some time here to acknowledge that the pain you feel is real. I am not here to dismiss your experience. Rather I am here to listen intently to you just like my friend did to me. And even though I can’t listen to you through the pages in this book, I can however relate to your pain. Understand that your pain is real, just like a physical injury. Acknowledge it as such as you are slowly being bled out from the inside.
Many people, men, in particular, are experts in hiding their pain. No one wants to show weakness to others as this exposes who we truly are. We hide this pain, bottle it up inside, and pretend like everything is alright. Outwardly we are a successful person who has it all together. Inwardly we are drowning in past regret and ignored trauma. If we do this enough times over our life, we come to experience breakdowns. These will come in small doses at first, but the pain becomes unbearable over time and depression takes over, or worse – suicide.
When we can not bottle up the pain any longer, we can start to exhibit irrational behavior. What’s worse is that we can start to dismiss our experiences thus dismissing our very existence. This is a dangerous rabbit hole as it can lead to nihilism – a belief that life is meaningless. Do not ignore your problems. Face them as nobly as you can. Put one step in front of the other and over time where you are today will be in the past.
This is not a book about psychology and I am not a therapist. I am a man who has been healed from his wounds who wants to help others do the same. I strongly believe that healing is not to be put on another’s shoulders. We are all called to carry our burdens in life, to take up our cross daily. Life is suffering. The earlier we acknowledge this, the better we are for it. The good news is that we do not have to do this alone. The great news is that when we do carry our cross daily, life takes on an incredible amount of meaning. We all get one life here, don’t you want to make the best of it?
Although there are many issues we all face on a daily basis, my goal here is to share my experience with forgiveness and how it has helped me heal and move on with my life. So, I will only be sharing my experiences and what I know to be true about forgiveness. It can be tempting to speak outside your expertise, however, one quickly realizes that there are many people who are experts in many areas. It is best to let them speak about what they know and you speak about what you know.
Over the years, I have become more of a practical and pragmatic individual. Theorizing over ideology, theology, and politics used to be interesting to me. However, I have come to find out that this armchair approach to life is meaningless without action. So, I want to end this chapter with some actions you can take if you want to move on and forgive your wrongdoers.
First, I would like you to conjure up a time or event in your life that requires forgiveness. This time or event will bring up emotions you may want to forget – don’t do this. Instead, feel these emotions and fully experience them. Yes, these emotions hurt and you may even feel bad for feeling them. This is normal and is to be expected.
Second, imagine to yourself what it would feel like if that time or event never happened. If you are like me, I grin at that thought. All the hurt and pain gone in an instant. I can move forward in life and never think about the event because, well, it never happened. Capture this fleeting moment as this is what it is like to truly forgive someone. Of course, you will never forget what happened, but you essentially turn the bad memory into just a memory.
Lastly, promise to yourself that you want to feel free. Promise to forgive, even if it hurts – even if you say you will never forgive. A promise spoken can make miracles happen. Once you make this promise, wait. Do not try to forgive as your trying will never be good enough. Instead, you must earnestly want to forgive. Do this by helping yourself and helping others. Start to enjoy life more and be more open to giving a helping hand to others. Make the promise.
As I’ve stated a few times before, time heals all wounds. However, if we do not take the steps necessary for healing to take place, we will not have the benefits that time gives us. Once we take these steps, time starts to work for us and we start to heal. The possibility of forgiveness then starts to become a reality.
Earnestly consider what I have discussed today. I challenge you to start working on your journey to forgiveness – whatever that may look like.
___
Image courtesy of Ivan Aleksic